ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
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when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am