@sofarrsogud

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

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@Jarhead44

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

@TylerLinkin

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

@novicefather

“I don’t believe in hyperbole,” she said while consuming an entire horse.

@underchilde

A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.

@AristotlesNZ

Coworker just asked me if I’m “working hard or hardly working” & now I’m standing over him asking if he’s “bleeding bad or badly bleeding?”

@Mindless4Miles

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

@philyuck

COP: Did the suspect have a birthmark?

MARK: He’s alive so I’m assuming he had a birth, yes.

@vladsavov

The most popular car brands are German, Japanese, and Italian. It’s like losing WW2 is a prerequisite for making good autos.

@sixfootcandy

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.