HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

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Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.


– 911, what’s your emergency?
– My nephew just swallowed a lighter!
– What’s your address?
– Never mind, I found some matches.


I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!


My six replaced the toilet paper roll all on her own and now I’m wondering who her real dad is.


My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.


Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.


I never pay for pizza delivery. I always just say something weird like “I got this for us,” & before I know it, they’re speeding away.


You literally misuse the word “literally” every time you say it. And I figuratively want to punch you in the face. Literally.


Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken