I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
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My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them