the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
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just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.