[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
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It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
The 6 types of sex
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
me in a relationship:
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.