[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
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Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.