Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

ME: I really love motorsport.

DATE: Do you like F1?

ME: I like all the function keys.

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.