[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
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I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
When I snag the last meatball.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.