Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting