[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
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Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
The little toadstool has spoken.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Personal question. #JustSaying
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
My first son he is wonderful
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking