[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
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No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds