*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
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cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Go hard or stay average
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
The First Farmer