Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin

her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?

ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

[pronounces lasagna like bologna]