*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
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If you’re testing me, we failed.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.