Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.