Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.