[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
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My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”