Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”

The struggle is real

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

[McDonald’s interview]

Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working

Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*

Sorry it’s out of order

Interviewer: when can you start?

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.