Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

no way 😭

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

I put the p in pants.

Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today

Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it