Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Covert ops

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

Eleven out of ten people are stupid.

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!