Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.

A fake ID that makes you younger

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

My favorite female superhero

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?