[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
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“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
New Tinder profile.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.