[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
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“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016