Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

Time heals everything 🙂

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

and now we wait

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.