Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

*kids fighting over something*

Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.

Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?

Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.