On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
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Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Me when I’m ovulating
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
How actors in movies eat their food
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans