Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

happy halloween

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog