[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
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[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.