Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.

The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

Ooh I do like a good funnel

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

Sir!!

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.