Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.

Husband: This house is a prison.

When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

Husband: you should get out of the house more

Me: *goes shopping*

Husband: not like that

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.