[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
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Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
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