On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
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My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
was Jim off killing horses or…
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need