On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
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Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again