On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
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me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.