Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me

Me: OMG just get in the shower

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.