Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?

Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.

Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?

Him: Yes.

Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t