Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

l’ll call it my oughtabiography

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

🤣🤣🤣

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/