Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!

Me: Christine divorced me

Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!

Me: He stole Christine

Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!

Me: They took the dog

Fb: I KNOW

Me: Why are you doing this

Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

They say women only use 10% of their anger