Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.