[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
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Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.