Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

motivation

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

I love you to the refrigerator and back

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.