[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

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“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it


Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.


My son is playing by himself in his room and he is narrating his imaginary play activities in a voice like a French Werner Herzog: “We open ze barrel of monkeys, and we find zem all dead inside. Ze worst discovery of all. Who has done zis to zeese monkeys? Who is zis monster?”


COP: There’s been a murder
BATMAN: I won’t rest until I avenge them
C: It’s outside of Gotham
B: Actually I have got a lot on at the moment


[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.


ok boss, i duck taped the hostage’s mouth shut
“you mean duct taped, right?”
*cuts to hostage with live mallard stuffed in his mouth*


JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume


ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit


My phone number is one digit off from a local restaurant’s. When I’m in a bad mood, I’ll take reservations.