@HenpeckedHal

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

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@SoniaEryka

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

@JessicaVarsity

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

@JodiesJumpsuit

My son is playing by himself in his room and he is narrating his imaginary play activities in a voice like a French Werner Herzog: “We open ze barrel of monkeys, and we find zem all dead inside. Ze worst discovery of all. Who has done zis to zeese monkeys? Who is zis monster?”

@ArfMeasures

COP: There’s been a murder
BATMAN: I won’t rest until I avenge them
C: It’s outside of Gotham
B: Actually I have got a lot on at the moment

@FrazzleMyGimp

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

@trentistweeting

ok boss, i duck taped the hostage’s mouth shut
“you mean duct taped, right?”
um…
*cuts to hostage with live mallard stuffed in his mouth*

@jonnysun

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

@KalvinMacleod

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

@irememberfallin

My phone number is one digit off from a local restaurant’s. When I’m in a bad mood, I’ll take reservations.