[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
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why I oughta
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
how to have fun when you’re poor
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.