Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun