Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…

Being rude underwater is snarkeling

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same