Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

Bro what is this

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.

“What was your favorite part of the trip?”

My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*