Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

first you must answer his riddles

handsome & gretel

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

[speed dating]

Her: THIS IS NICE

Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO

Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

Always a housemaid, never a house.

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.