Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.

Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.