Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

the three branches of government

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

The struggle is real.

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

pat pat

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??