Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

aesthetic

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

What about second breakfast?

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

Had a spot of bother earlier.