On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
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[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids