[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
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I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
The United Steaks of America
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.