[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
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this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today