@TweetsByKaylee

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

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@Steelers1972

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

@TomSchally

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

@TheHyyyype

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

@RdrJay47

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

@decentbirthday

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

@DeanB15

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

@sbellelauren

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

@ThRealBallsDeep

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

@PearlsFromMyrna

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

@mattingebretson

I love how binge watching a tv show is now portrayed as a fun activity instead of an expression of deep emotional turmoil and depression