[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
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My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.