On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Worth a try
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
