On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
