On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
my dog when i have a friend over
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Chemical wingman
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
