On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
You Might Also Like
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
I’m calling the cops.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??