On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
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Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Only Americans understand
jesus christ confetti not now
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.