On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
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Breaking news:
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
The Compass
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.