Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

the only organized thing in my life is crime

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.