Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

My wedding will be open casket.

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

Your honor these allegations are

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.