Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.