Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

it must be school picture day

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

I am thick and tired. 🙄

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

plant them where lol

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.