On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
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ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
*skinny dips into black hole
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.