On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
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(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
Okey dokey.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.