On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
You Might Also Like
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
This one, by a wide margin
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Most Common Source of Electricity
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.