On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
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Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.