On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
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TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year