Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

Jogging has never helped my memory.

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

Still a very good boi….

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.