Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based Erika

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

This is painfully accurate 😅

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

Banderslack Clamberdorch

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?