[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
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Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
Voodoo map
nyc:
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it