Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”