Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.