Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

I’ve had relationships like this

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.