Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

Pikachu found the lost joint

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit