Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

Sorry. Not sorry

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.

Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.